when they look at me, let them see the smile in my eyes.
"a pretty blue," they'll conclude
yet, not about my eyes,
but my heart, blue and torn,
torn apart.
"but i'm not afraid," i will say
and they'll know it's true,
for now.
I'll keep dreaming that this world
will someday come together
and love each other...
but until then, i'll keep on smiling with my eyes.
i will make new friends,
new beginnings,
make amends,
fix the endings of the past
so the blue may fade and go away
and optimism will be all that remains,
then they will really see me smile
and i will be me again.

the wall grows
with each brick laid.
the cracks are filled
with mortar.
no doors were laid out in the plan.
soon the wall will be too high too climb, too strong to knock down, too permanent to ignore.
brick after brick.
higher, more dense.
continuing until the wall is a part of life, as if it had always existed.
until i no longer remember the hurt
and discover what it feels like
to not care.

my blank canvas
slowly fills with ink
accidental drops fall haphazardly on the page
words are marked through, reexamined
then placed tenderly and thoughtfully
perhaps it will develop into a statement of cause or beliefs or aspirations
or maybe just words scattered on a page in a guided random application
either way the words will free my soul
and will no longer filter my head

i will keep breathing.
the sun will hang high
and my spirits will be lifted
so when the night falls
i am not afraid,
but content
knowing that i did everything i could
to make this day bright
despite the clouds looming above.
i will keep breathing.

i try to concoct enough distractions to get you out of my mind.
it works some moments, but not all.
then i find more distractions,
but every night i have to lie down to bed
and i toss and turn for what seems like an eternally.
i awake to no trace of you
and the journey starts again.

nothing. to not be able to say anything at a crucial moment, in fact at all crucial moments, but to actually just sit and say nothing, finally told me everything. i no longer need to drown in self torment, because i no longer care. the nothingness that came out when something....anything...should have, hurt so damn much. to mean that little, to have no words. to be numb though...completely numb...to all feelings finally feels freeing.

i have come to a conclusion
that sometimes there are no conclusions.
that when things cease
they are still present,
but their presence become strange, distorted, and confusing.
to not to want is what i wish for these days
to not look back and wonder what really went wrong.
maybe nothing went wrong?
that it was just not meant to go right.
that while i was me,
i wasn't.
i was so afraid to lose you that i lost me in the process.
my laugh
my honesty
my patience
my understanding.
i was so incredibly afraid, that i lost everything.
it became about business.
i tried to connect as many ways as possible,
but it was superficial.
i just wanted in your heart.
it became about wanting to ask, but not being able to ask,
letting fear build up, until it exploded at exactly the wrong moments.
this is not the person i am
or ever want to be again.
i long for the real thing more than i ever knew possible.
but when its true and honest and right
i think i will find that missing piece of myself again.
the part of me that i understand,
to be able to give my all
and to have it reciprocated.
to feel at ease in my own skin,
because that is how i will be loved.
i don't want to blame anyone, neither you nor me.
it is silly and a lost cause.
i have been angry with you and i know you have been angry with me.
i have been angry with myself too, have you been angry at you?
to be honest though,
i miss you.
i don't miss what we had
but i miss you.
i miss the real moments.
i miss the truth.
i miss your eyes, when they looked into mine
you have beautiful eyes.
i miss your hand in mine.
i miss your embrace.
i hate that i still think that you are perfect
even though i see the flaws in us.
i hate that i still wish you the happiness that you seek,
because i fear it will ultimately bring me sadness.
i hate that i still want you,
even though i know you're not mine.
i don't want to want any longer
because it is breaking my heart and my spirit.
maybe a conclusion is not particularly necessary,
because there will always be part of me with you
and part of you with me.
but a new path, a new direction, a new hope, a real hope,
the future is what i seek.
and a way out of the past.