i close my eyes and dream about nothing
so when i awake i dream about everything.
inspire me
and make me want to inspire you.
stranded in a world filled with strangers,
filled with friends
trying to do more than just survive.
i'm not ready to lose my faith yet.

i smile as i sing along
today the radio plays some of my favorite songs
if you were here, i would ask you to dance
you might say no, but i would risk the chance
and i would twirl and glide
all in stride
i know if you saw me
you would laugh endlessly
but i would entice you with my silliness
and before you knew what happened,
you would be asking me to dance

do i have the faith to believe that everything happens for certain reasons; am i able to accept the unknown with willingness, enthusiasm and grace; can i throw out the idea that life has steadfast plans, and live day by day guided by goals and dreams with a healthy dose of optimism? i will no longer regret past mistakes, as i have made my confessions, nor will i analyze the future, for we cannot predict the unknown, but i will live solely in the present, for it is given to me now.

when they look at me, let them see the smile in my eyes.
"a pretty blue," they'll conclude
yet, not about my eyes,
but my heart, blue and torn,
torn apart.
"but i'm not afraid," i will say
and they'll know it's true,
for now.
I'll keep dreaming that this world
will someday come together
and love each other...
but until then, i'll keep on smiling with my eyes.
i will make new friends,
new beginnings,
make amends,
fix the endings of the past
so the blue may fade and go away
and optimism will be all that remains,
then they will really see me smile
and i will be me again.

the wall grows
with each brick laid.
the cracks are filled
with mortar.
no doors were laid out in the plan.
soon the wall will be too high too climb, too strong to knock down, too permanent to ignore.
brick after brick.
higher, more dense.
continuing until the wall is a part of life, as if it had always existed.
until i no longer remember the hurt
and discover what it feels like
to not care.

my blank canvas
slowly fills with ink
accidental drops fall haphazardly on the page
words are marked through, reexamined
then placed tenderly and thoughtfully
perhaps it will develop into a statement of cause or beliefs or aspirations
or maybe just words scattered on a page in a guided random application
either way the words will free my soul
and will no longer filter my head

i will keep breathing.
the sun will hang high
and my spirits will be lifted
so when the night falls
i am not afraid,
but content
knowing that i did everything i could
to make this day bright
despite the clouds looming above.
i will keep breathing.

i try to concoct enough distractions to get you out of my mind.
it works some moments, but not all.
then i find more distractions,
but every night i have to lie down to bed
and i toss and turn for what seems like an eternally.
i awake to no trace of you
and the journey starts again.

nothing. to not be able to say anything at a crucial moment, in fact at all crucial moments, but to actually just sit and say nothing, finally told me everything. i no longer need to drown in self torment, because i no longer care. the nothingness that came out when something....anything...should have, hurt so damn much. to mean that little, to have no words. to be numb though...completely numb...to all feelings finally feels freeing.

i have come to a conclusion
that sometimes there are no conclusions.
that when things cease
they are still present,
but their presence become strange, distorted, and confusing.
to not to want is what i wish for these days
to not look back and wonder what really went wrong.
maybe nothing went wrong?
that it was just not meant to go right.
that while i was me,
i wasn't.
i was so afraid to lose you that i lost me in the process.
my laugh
my honesty
my patience
my understanding.
i was so incredibly afraid, that i lost everything.
it became about business.
i tried to connect as many ways as possible,
but it was superficial.
i just wanted in your heart.
it became about wanting to ask, but not being able to ask,
letting fear build up, until it exploded at exactly the wrong moments.
this is not the person i am
or ever want to be again.
i long for the real thing more than i ever knew possible.
but when its true and honest and right
i think i will find that missing piece of myself again.
the part of me that i understand,
to be able to give my all
and to have it reciprocated.
to feel at ease in my own skin,
because that is how i will be loved.
i don't want to blame anyone, neither you nor me.
it is silly and a lost cause.
i have been angry with you and i know you have been angry with me.
i have been angry with myself too, have you been angry at you?
to be honest though,
i miss you.
i don't miss what we had
but i miss you.
i miss the real moments.
i miss the truth.
i miss your eyes, when they looked into mine
you have beautiful eyes.
i miss your hand in mine.
i miss your embrace.
i hate that i still think that you are perfect
even though i see the flaws in us.
i hate that i still wish you the happiness that you seek,
because i fear it will ultimately bring me sadness.
i hate that i still want you,
even though i know you're not mine.
i don't want to want any longer
because it is breaking my heart and my spirit.
maybe a conclusion is not particularly necessary,
because there will always be part of me with you
and part of you with me.
but a new path, a new direction, a new hope, a real hope,
the future is what i seek.
and a way out of the past.

dada poetry

soul die down take lord i soul
lord the i sleep i now to keep
to i the to my pray before i
lay if pray me should my wake

the world precariously awaits
the questions that no one can answer.
yet, we all are mere mortals.
while scary, it has the funny twist of being inspiring.
that perhaps we can be and do anything,
and sometimes the system will fail,
or it can prosper for many years,
and you will not know until you try.
so today i will dream.
plan and play
and watch things grow.
to be inspired is one of the greatest gifts
to help get out of a drought
and to dance in the rain.

the constant struggle of needing to let go but the inability to do so leaves an immovable weight on my chest and breathing no longer feels involuntary as each breath, present and painful, tightens and begins to   b   r   e   a   k   the binding that is holding the shards of my heart together.

nine...

every night i have dreamt of you
and during those moments i am at peace.
yet i awaken with a deeper longing
and a tighter chest than even the day before.

and i try not to think of you
yet i cannot ignore the emptiness
that was once filled by you.

am i alone in this feeling
or do you share in the agony?
and,
how do i stop wanting you
when you have stopped wanting me?

day two...

my heart is shattered,
and i cannot breathe without you.
i feel like happiness
may never be mine again.
and that your face which i adore
will never look at me again.
i would never ask you for anything
other than a second try,
but this time,
as the people we first fell into

this is for you if you should read it...

perhaps the words i love you
we do not necessarily seek,
but instead search for the feeling of it,
or understanding of it through the heart.

but i tell you i love you,
not out of haste or to want you to say it back
but to give words to my heart.
should you feel the same,
maybe your heart will talk too.

reset

today, i smile in fear
and laugh in uncertainty,
and i feel everything,
but i am not afraid.
i am more anxious now than fearful.
for i can only lose everything
if i do not stand in the bravery
of myself
with no games
and no worries
but instead with strength.

one word at a time,
a smile never forgotten,
an embrace in your arms
and a weight off my chest.
a chance to believe
without any regrets,
a courage in my heart
that i haven't had as of yet.
and a peace in my soul
that is matched with the truth...
these are my gifts to you.

my words have no music
but if you listen closely
the rhythm of my soul is there

and i'm more afraid than i ever feared.
will i win in the end?
time will only tell.
am i fighting a battle against all odds?
am i not honest with myself?

maybe nothing is real
and the story is not ours,
and the tune in my heart
hits the wrong note in yours

or maybe i just need other words.

i sometimes think i am alone,
but you are always guiding me by the hand.
i sometimes feel as if i am straying from you,
but you remain by my side.
i sometimes react in anger towards you and even question you,
and you let me,
while never ceasing to love me.

please teach me
patience
and truth,
knowledge
and strength.

in my doubt i still believe
and in my defiance,
i can still see you.

love, in my eyes, is our greatest gift from you.
seemingly evil at times,
but in its pure and truest form
it is a chance to be as close to you
as humanly possible,
while miraculously connecting with another human being
in the way you intended it to be.

i| hope.dream.wish.ponder.love

.laugh.smile.giggle.cry.fall.appreciate.respect.give.everything |you

my pulsating heart echoes off the walls of the city i love calling my home
and my soul is at peace.
the air is crisp but my lungs are tight
and each breath demands presence.

when my chest pounds with excitement
and my palms are sweaty
and i am running on adrenalin
i feel alive
free
any self doubt is masked with energy and harmony
and i know at these times
that there is hope in this world.

again
and again,
over and over,
breathe in, breathe
out. breathe in, breathe
out. one step, one breath,
on day, one hour, one
minute. one life.
squander not
each
breath, in
and out, in and
out. tomorrow might
come and cease what you
might know to be true
and you have to
continue to
breathe
in
and out.
before you
give up, think
about tomorrow
and where you might
have the chance to be and
what you might have the
chance to witness,
who you might
meet and
share
a
smile
with, and
to inspire you
to keep breathing
the enchanting deep
breaths that keep your
heart beating.

sometimes the world demands perfection.
but the slips and falls are what make you real.

i am far from perfect,
but aren't we all?
but if the world demands perfection,
then where do i stand?
where do you stand?
do we all live in a false world?
do we thrive on the idea of perfection
that we are blind to the realizations of truth?

please do not expect perfection from me,
you will be disappointed.
but i will give you my heart,
and it's truth.

i pray my passion will make up for my imperfection,
and that I will always be known as real.

I will not expect perfection from you either,
just your truth.

"rebirth"

warm air,
gentle breeze.
felt like summer, but wasn't.

i was in a new world.

it changed me.
i was no longer who i had been,
and finally turned back into me.

i can feel my heart beat again,
i am alive.

"questioning tomorrow"

is yesterday's tomorrow how you anticipated it?

is it silly or is it serious?
is it happy or is it sad?
is it more or is it less?
perhaps it's all.

are you in love or are you alone?
are you truthful or have you lied?
are you afraid or are you excited?
i wish for you a truthful love filled with excitement.

have you followed your plans or have you followed your heart?
have you been vulnerable or have you always been strong?
have you cried alone or amongst those you trust?

in this tomorrow do you recognize me?
have i changed?
have i asked myself all these questions too?

perhaps you can tell me tomorrow...