i have come to a conclusion
that sometimes there are no conclusions.
that when things cease
they are still present,
but their presence become strange, distorted, and confusing.
to not to want is what i wish for these days
to not look back and wonder what really went wrong.
maybe nothing went wrong?
that it was just not meant to go right.
that while i was me,
i wasn't.
i was so afraid to lose you that i lost me in the process.
my laugh
my honesty
my patience
my understanding.
i was so incredibly afraid, that i lost everything.
it became about business.
i tried to connect as many ways as possible,
but it was superficial.
i just wanted in your heart.
it became about wanting to ask, but not being able to ask,
letting fear build up, until it exploded at exactly the wrong moments.
this is not the person i am
or ever want to be again.
i long for the real thing more than i ever knew possible.
but when its true and honest and right
i think i will find that missing piece of myself again.
the part of me that i understand,
to be able to give my all
and to have it reciprocated.
to feel at ease in my own skin,
because that is how i will be loved.
i don't want to blame anyone, neither you nor me.
it is silly and a lost cause.
i have been angry with you and i know you have been angry with me.
i have been angry with myself too, have you been angry at you?
to be honest though,
i miss you.
i don't miss what we had
but i miss you.
i miss the real moments.
i miss the truth.
i miss your eyes, when they looked into mine
you have beautiful eyes.
i miss your hand in mine.
i miss your embrace.
i hate that i still think that you are perfect
even though i see the flaws in us.
i hate that i still wish you the happiness that you seek,
because i fear it will ultimately bring me sadness.
i hate that i still want you,
even though i know you're not mine.
i don't want to want any longer
because it is breaking my heart and my spirit.
maybe a conclusion is not particularly necessary,
because there will always be part of me with you
and part of you with me.
but a new path, a new direction, a new hope, a real hope,
the future is what i seek.
and a way out of the past.