i try to concoct enough distractions to get you out of my mind.
it works some moments, but not all.
then i find more distractions,
but every night i have to lie down to bed
and i toss and turn for what seems like an eternally.
i awake to no trace of you
and the journey starts again.

nothing. to not be able to say anything at a crucial moment, in fact at all crucial moments, but to actually just sit and say nothing, finally told me everything. i no longer need to drown in self torment, because i no longer care. the nothingness that came out when something....anything...should have, hurt so damn much. to mean that little, to have no words. to be numb though...completely numb...to all feelings finally feels freeing.

i have come to a conclusion
that sometimes there are no conclusions.
that when things cease
they are still present,
but their presence become strange, distorted, and confusing.
to not to want is what i wish for these days
to not look back and wonder what really went wrong.
maybe nothing went wrong?
that it was just not meant to go right.
that while i was me,
i wasn't.
i was so afraid to lose you that i lost me in the process.
my laugh
my honesty
my patience
my understanding.
i was so incredibly afraid, that i lost everything.
it became about business.
i tried to connect as many ways as possible,
but it was superficial.
i just wanted in your heart.
it became about wanting to ask, but not being able to ask,
letting fear build up, until it exploded at exactly the wrong moments.
this is not the person i am
or ever want to be again.
i long for the real thing more than i ever knew possible.
but when its true and honest and right
i think i will find that missing piece of myself again.
the part of me that i understand,
to be able to give my all
and to have it reciprocated.
to feel at ease in my own skin,
because that is how i will be loved.
i don't want to blame anyone, neither you nor me.
it is silly and a lost cause.
i have been angry with you and i know you have been angry with me.
i have been angry with myself too, have you been angry at you?
to be honest though,
i miss you.
i don't miss what we had
but i miss you.
i miss the real moments.
i miss the truth.
i miss your eyes, when they looked into mine
you have beautiful eyes.
i miss your hand in mine.
i miss your embrace.
i hate that i still think that you are perfect
even though i see the flaws in us.
i hate that i still wish you the happiness that you seek,
because i fear it will ultimately bring me sadness.
i hate that i still want you,
even though i know you're not mine.
i don't want to want any longer
because it is breaking my heart and my spirit.
maybe a conclusion is not particularly necessary,
because there will always be part of me with you
and part of you with me.
but a new path, a new direction, a new hope, a real hope,
the future is what i seek.
and a way out of the past.

dada poetry

soul die down take lord i soul
lord the i sleep i now to keep
to i the to my pray before i
lay if pray me should my wake

the world precariously awaits
the questions that no one can answer.
yet, we all are mere mortals.
while scary, it has the funny twist of being inspiring.
that perhaps we can be and do anything,
and sometimes the system will fail,
or it can prosper for many years,
and you will not know until you try.
so today i will dream.
plan and play
and watch things grow.
to be inspired is one of the greatest gifts
to help get out of a drought
and to dance in the rain.

the constant struggle of needing to let go but the inability to do so leaves an immovable weight on my chest and breathing no longer feels involuntary as each breath, present and painful, tightens and begins to   b   r   e   a   k   the binding that is holding the shards of my heart together.

nine...

every night i have dreamt of you
and during those moments i am at peace.
yet i awaken with a deeper longing
and a tighter chest than even the day before.

and i try not to think of you
yet i cannot ignore the emptiness
that was once filled by you.

am i alone in this feeling
or do you share in the agony?
and,
how do i stop wanting you
when you have stopped wanting me?