do i have the faith to believe that everything happens for certain reasons; am i able to accept the unknown with willingness, enthusiasm and grace; can i throw out the idea that life has steadfast plans, and live day by day guided by goals and dreams with a healthy dose of optimism? i will no longer regret past mistakes, as i have made my confessions, nor will i analyze the future, for we cannot predict the unknown, but i will live solely in the present, for it is given to me now.

when they look at me, let them see the smile in my eyes.
"a pretty blue," they'll conclude
yet, not about my eyes,
but my heart, blue and torn,
torn apart.
"but i'm not afraid," i will say
and they'll know it's true,
for now.
I'll keep dreaming that this world
will someday come together
and love each other...
but until then, i'll keep on smiling with my eyes.
i will make new friends,
new beginnings,
make amends,
fix the endings of the past
so the blue may fade and go away
and optimism will be all that remains,
then they will really see me smile
and i will be me again.

the wall grows
with each brick laid.
the cracks are filled
with mortar.
no doors were laid out in the plan.
soon the wall will be too high too climb, too strong to knock down, too permanent to ignore.
brick after brick.
higher, more dense.
continuing until the wall is a part of life, as if it had always existed.
until i no longer remember the hurt
and discover what it feels like
to not care.

my blank canvas
slowly fills with ink
accidental drops fall haphazardly on the page
words are marked through, reexamined
then placed tenderly and thoughtfully
perhaps it will develop into a statement of cause or beliefs or aspirations
or maybe just words scattered on a page in a guided random application
either way the words will free my soul
and will no longer filter my head

i will keep breathing.
the sun will hang high
and my spirits will be lifted
so when the night falls
i am not afraid,
but content
knowing that i did everything i could
to make this day bright
despite the clouds looming above.
i will keep breathing.

i try to concoct enough distractions to get you out of my mind.
it works some moments, but not all.
then i find more distractions,
but every night i have to lie down to bed
and i toss and turn for what seems like an eternally.
i awake to no trace of you
and the journey starts again.

nothing. to not be able to say anything at a crucial moment, in fact at all crucial moments, but to actually just sit and say nothing, finally told me everything. i no longer need to drown in self torment, because i no longer care. the nothingness that came out when something....anything...should have, hurt so damn much. to mean that little, to have no words. to be numb though...completely numb...to all feelings finally feels freeing.